Real Housewives of Melbourne Season 3, Episode 2

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‘her days consist of changing the outfit of her dog.’ – Susie (about Lydia).

This weeks rather staged looking episode focussed around Lydia, the bearer of drama.

We start off at the house of Jackie, whose mum, Lana is in town. She has made the trip from Newcastle to talk babies. It’s about time her daughter gave her a grandchild. That’s what we are here for and time to get a move on. She has been married five years. Apprehensive about the lifestyle change that having a baby would incur, Jackie’s hubby Ben, says they are ‘worried about jumping off the cliff.’ Jackie brings tears to her mother’s eyes with her comment ‘what if we don’t have a child.’

This series of the Real Housewives of Melbourne, whilst delving more into the personal lives, feels like everyone is reading off a script and badly in need of some acting lessons.

We don’t have to wait long to see Lydia and her wacky adventures in the red Suzuki. The driving  montages are nearing an end as long suffering, Joanna, drives Lydia and her dog (who  is dressed in doggy ‘Haute couture)’, safely to the Porsche shop where, hubby Andrew is waiting for his princess to arrive, so he can purchase her Porsche and her life can return to some sort of semblance.

Lydia, and dog make a stunning entrance to see Andrew and a young looking salesman. Lydia says, ‘Is it fast? … (yes, she really did ask that in a Porsche shop). ‘Andrew would buy me whatever I want, it’s almost like foreplay,’ says Lydia to the camera. After deciding on the four wheel drive model,  Andrew leaves Lydia to it. She has several awkward moments with the young salesman, which includes asking him if she could look at a faster car instead of the one that has been allocated. Perhaps a red Porsche, after all we all know red cars are faster. There are all sorts of sexual innuendos been thrown around, mostly by Lydia who looks slightly embarrassed at where her bravado has taken her. It is not lost on the young salesman, who asks her if she would like to go for a drive, ‘we could make it a quickie.’

Next, new girl, Susie, with the ‘red- hot’ body according to Gamble, drives her to Chadstone and a chance to get to know each other. They are off to meet with some of the ladies for some much needed, ‘retail therapy.’ En route, talk turns to the ongoing drama and character analysis.

Gamble is advised by Susie not to trust Lydia. Instead of having ‘man of the match,’ why not have an award for the ‘scene of the episode.’  As Chyka, Gamble, Janet  and Susie sip on champagne  in some sort of high end home-ware store,  cue the music,  a smug looking Lydia, struts to music that indicates – there is  trouble on the horizon. It’s like something out of a western movie, where it is all quiet, until suddenly… well not quite but along those lines.

Gamble can’t seem to hold her water, tells Lydia what a double crossing woman Susie is and asks Lydia, could it be true that, ‘you are only interested in my friendship, because I’m friends with Gina,’ as Susie believes. It’s starting to turn into ‘days of our lives, with some badly needed acting lessons. Oops I already mentioned the need for acting lessons. Anyone?…… Lydia’s response – ‘If she’s got problems with me why doesn’t’ she come and tell me.’

Lydia confronts Susie, ‘Do you have a problem with me?’

Susie: yes as a matter of fact I do
(Susie doesn’t back down and things are hotting up between the two women well known to each other).

Alliances are forming but also changing as quickly as they are being formed.

Lydia thinks Susie is spreading rumours about her and Shane Warne, (bingo! the cricket great, gets another mention) and thinks Susie is trying to jeopardise her marriage and tells her so. Susie informs Lydia that it’s the word on the street and even though she doesn’t care, gets asked about it all the time.

We heard last week that Lydia had spread gossip about Susie’s breakdown of her marriage and this week learn the gossip spread by Lydia was that, Susie was sleeping around. This according to Susie’s ex husband.
‘She wants to go where the sun is shining’, Susie tells some of the housewives.

Moving on, there are fashion shoots to be had. At Lydia’s house at first glance it appears she is trying earnestly to, ‘Chanel’, oops…. I mean channel sexy. She is told that the necklace she is wearing is worth half a million, I think, I didn’t take much notice. If there’s a better word for revelling in it, well that’s what’s happening. ‘I like to flirt with food and fashion, flirt being her catch phrase this season. Apparently she has a blog and it is Gamble that tells us, there isn’t much blogging, going on, though there is a lot of fashion.

Over at the Gym to see how hard Petti-fleur is working out and being ordered around by her personal trainer, who will presumably be in line for her own reality show. It is an awkward scene and a very fit looking Petti-fleur assures us ‘no pain, no gain.’ Perhaps the gym is the antedote needed to temper that temper of hers.

Next, Gina meets Petti-fleur to offer some – (Multiple choice) : counsel, enlightenment, admonition, lesson.

Gina, thinking Petti-fleur has been going of ‘like a cherry bomb’, tells her in Gina style – that she comes across like she has a ‘chip on her shoulder.’ Naturally Petti-fleur seems somewhat offended, but talk moves quickly onto Lydia and her backstabbing tendencies. Gina informs Petti-fleur how she too, has been burnt by Lydia, describing her ‘MO’ as:-

‘She steps in, creates problems and steps away and the fight is on.

Petti-fleur puts her feelings of being misunderstood down to the fact people don’t understand her wit. ‘I’m quick witted, that’s all I am’, she says. ‘Raise your argument not your voice,’ Gina tells her and turns to the camera, ‘it comes as a shock when someone holds a mirror up to you.’

Poor, misunderstood Petti-fleur, thinks no one gets her or her humour and to add insult to injury, Gina says ‘saying things straight faced, with an accent, does not make you a comedian. Tell that to Billy Connolly.

Petti-fleur shares a poignant moment with her son, Nathan who has left the family home.  Devastated, Petti-fleur wants him back and is finding it hard to let him go.  It’s heart wrenching. Nathan now has another life to think of, his girlfriend. He assures his mum of his independence, he is earning his own money  and the time has come for him to be the man that his mum has brought him up to be.

After kicking him out of the nest he has found his wings thanks to a great start from the best mother in the world. Surely he could come home for a little while longer, Petti-fleur tries to convince him. Sadly, Petti-fleur is told he won’t ever be coming back, but their relationship can be rebuilt.

Finally,9 Petti-fleur, Susie, Janet and Chyka go horse riding, whilst Lydia, Gamble and Gina are elsewhere.  When discussing what the outfits Petti-fleur and Susie, might rock up in, Chyka aptly describes their attire, ‘I bet they will dress like they stepped out of ‘horse and hound.’

It is safe to say that Jackie steals the scene with her irreverence. She says with such candour that she finds horse-riding enjoyable and maybe, will give it a crack and do it more often. It looks suspiciously like she has never before  ridden a horse.

Cliff-hanger alert. Jackie vehemently informs most of the women that each and everyone of them has been talked about, shock, horror – ‘behind your back,’ ladies, by….we all know who.

Can’t wait for next week’s episode, with this sort of pace you gotta wonder if the drama will peak too soon. I think a wedding is in order.

Other things we learnt this episode:-  Gamble’s wedding dress designer is also helping organise her wedding. A stunned Gina asks Gamble what his credentials are, how many weddings has he organised? None,  but Gamble says he’s been to heaps of weddings.  Lydia and Gamble have had a discussion and think Susie is jealous of Lydia because she has a great life and a partner and Susie is single. Janet’s slippery ex- husband whose accent sounded either welsh or South African or maybe Dutch, it was hard to tell, doesn’t think using the services abroad of a place called ‘happy endings’ is cheating. Gamble assures us that Shane Warne made it clear on ‘twitter’ that there’s nothing going on, with Lydia that is. With Lydia and him that is. Thank God. Thanks for clearing that up.

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